If Wishes Were Fishes

As we start into a new year, I am starting on a new adventure. I've been out of the blogging world for a while because of personal drama, and it's time for me to take back my life and get back to being who I enjoy being. I enjoy thinking and writing and sharing, and even if no one reads the blog, it's cathartic to me and that makes it enough of a good thing.

Of the 3-5 people who read the blog, if any of you still pay enough attention to see this post, probably all of you know that my marriage has broken. We will sign dissolution papers on Jan 4, and about a month after that we'll appear before a judge and it will all be over. I have other venues for working through most of those emotions and memories and all of those things. I have always wanted this blog to be about making lists to help me remember important things. In the past I've listed what has made me happy, what I need to do, what I dislike, what I'm thinking, etc. Tonight, while the clock turns us over into day 2 of 2012, I am going to list . . .

Lessons I've Learned in 2011

• Divorce is more like a funeral than a fight. It's more about mourning the loss of something and someone you had or thought you had figured out, and the stark terror of having to be single again.
• I am smarter than I realize.
• I have been an enabler, but I can change.
• I am stronger than I think I am, and I should not discount all of the things that I (and God) have already come through. Those trials have strengthened me, and my faith.
• We have a big God, and He loves each of us enough to allow us to learn from our own mistakes.
• The house doesn't have to be clean to be appropriate for company. It's our hearts that welcome them, not the lack of clutter and dust bunnies.
• Friends and family are truly the greatest treasure a person can ever have.
• I have more friends, who care more about me than I ever realized.
• It is very hard to ask for help, but it is even harder to try to do things without help.
• Wishing is great, but DOING is even more important.
  

I was reading Neil Gaiman's journal on Saturday, and he wrote a marvelous post about his wishes for the new year. He ends with this:

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

And that, my friends, is what I wish for you and myself as well. I plan to make glorious, amazing mistakes this year. Thanks for coming along for the ride!

I'll leave you with a great Sesame Street Classic:

Back to Blogging

Well, if anyone is still out there, reading my blog, I'm here to say I'm back to writing. I'm sorry it's been so long. There has been a lot going on, and as I mentioned in my last post, I have had a lot of Dr visits and other things taking up my time. Yes, I've done lots and lots of knitting, too! I managed to make a hat for each of my employees at the branch, and I made some socks for my FIL, a cool little knitted ornament for each of Si's teachers and I've started a lovely sweater vest for my mom. Oh, and I've also done several more decorative scarves. I'll share pictures soon.

Things that have kept me from posting on the blog:

• feeling like my life isn't interesting enough (my bro very kindly said, at Thanksgiving "Yea, but it's YOUR boring crap, so we want to read it.")
• not having my pictures uploaded from my camera yet
• having forgotten to take pictures to begin with
• feeling like everything I had to say was just depressing and whiney

Stuff I was doing instead:

• working
• knitting
• sleeping
• Dr visits
• Physical therapy for my leg
• zoning out in front of Facebook/TV

Why I'm back:

• my brother and SIL and Mom all convinced me that they really are interested in reading it, even if it's boring
• It's New Year's Eve and I feel like I should mark the day
• lots of changes have happened this year that I want to commemorate
• there's nothing else to do at the moment and keeping my hands busy typing helps me not eat more Christmas Cookies

Bad things that happened this year:

• slipped on the ice, tore up my knee/ligaments and badly broke my leg
• had a bit of an emotional breakdown because of the leg thing (or maybe that was just the pain meds playing with my brain)
  
• had a spontaneous CSF leak and had to go through horrible procedures to get it fixed
• had both cars broken into while they were in our driveway at home, resulting in the loss of the car radio from the Neon
• Spent medium bucks to put new tires and other repairs into the Cruiser, only to realize later that it needs to just be given away now

Good things that happened this year:

• My brother and Suzie got married!
• Si got as tall as Mike
• Si hiked the Appalachian Trail for over 50 miles
• Si took off all those blasted wrist bands!!!!!!!!!!
• Si got his braces off!
• We bought a new (to us) van (just yesterday - yikes!)
• I learned to walk again
• I knit a gazillion things
• I took a great class with my dear sister in Christ, Val
  
• I read books
• I transferred to a new branch
• I've been reminded, over and over again, how much God loves me, usually through the kind servanthood of my church-mates' blessings, and the sweetness of several of my knitting pals
  

So here's the thing . . . there have been more good things than bad. It's true, and I need to remember that. Life is hard, right? That isn't going to change. But I can choose to deal with things differently, and I'm working on that. I've always been an optimist, but once in a while things just overwhelm me and I forget how to optimize . . . you know what I mean? I think I'm back, and I'm going to work on writing again. Promise! We're at my parents' house right now, but when we get home tomorrow I'll work on loading up some pics and making the blog more interesting to behold.

In the meantime, thanks for reading . .. and I'll see you next year!