Passion about work

I've been thinking a lot about passion at work lately, and what makes me a good Librarian.  I have a lot of passion for serving the public and I care deeply about doing the right thing, making a difference in the world, stuff like that.  So it's been hard for me, during this down time, to keep myself motivated and keep my head in the game.  I've been fortunate to have good friends who've supported me and helped me remember what I'm about when I get low and I've also participated in some webinars and done some research here and there.

One thing that is challenging for me is that, for each job, I research and prep  and build up a passion for that library.  As I prepare for an interview I research the town, learn about the library, check out census numbers, create charts and graphs with data I find, heck, I even look at the housing stock in the area.  I learn as much as I can about the community around that library so that when I interview I can speak directly to that board of trustees (or whoever is interviewing) about what they are facing.  So I build up my passion for that place.  I get excited about the possibilities, I care.  I can't help but think that one of these times it's going to pay off . . . right?  I've written vision statements for some of these libraries, I've created goals and objectives, drafted plans for collection development, staff training, customer service, etc. 

Yea, someday the board will think mine is the best plan.  The waiting is hard.  You see, I get all passionate about a place and then when I don't get to go to that place it makes me sad.  Still, it's exciting to go through this process and I'm learning more each time.

What Makes You Happy?

A friend just posted an article from Buzzfeed that is a list of things scientifically proven to make you happier.  I believe these things are true as I've found them to be true in my own life!

I am going to take care of 1, 2 and 3 simultaneously tonight as I sit here in my blue office room wearing a blue sweatshirt that evokes wonderful memories of a trip to LA about 14 years ago and blog a quick list of what I'm grateful for.  Then I'm going to take care of 9 and 4 by going to bed and praying (meditating) before sleep.

• I am thankful for a family that loves me and loves one another; my parents who have been examples of grace and generosity my whole life, my big brother who would move mountains for me if I needed, my sister who loves me with a ferocity that is unmatched, their spouses who love and support them, and my many "adopted" siblings.
• I am thankful for my son.  He is a miracle in so many ways, even just for surviving the uncertain beginning in this life that my weak body gave him, but he's so much more than that: creative, smart, thoughtful, kind, sincere and passionate about his dreams and goals.  I am so thankful to be his mother.
• I am thankful for my dear friends, who provide support and encouragement to me during the rough times, adventure and excitement during better times and laughter through both.
• I am thankful for my dear new friend Troy, brilliant, funny, kind and thoughtful, who has been a source of joy these last 6 months despite my crazy, crazy life.  I don't believe that it's a coincidence that during one of the lowest times in my life I have been given the gift of such a great source of joy and love.  (yea, I said the L word)
• I am thankful for the health that I have.  I've had many challenges but still I am here, I am upright, I am mobile and I am able to live a good life thanks to a Gracious God and excellent medical care (and pretty damn good insurance, despite the insanity of our health care system).  I honestly never thought I'd live to see 50, and yet here I am, less than a year away and going strong.
• I am thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ who died on a cross for my sins, those I've already committed and those I have yet to commit, so that I may live forever in the presence of God.
• I am thankful for the roof over my head, even with the little leak.  It's a lovely house and someday (soon, I hope!) someone else will see how lovely it is and want to buy it from me!  But for now I am thankful I can still make the mortgage payments and so on.
• I am thankful that I have yarn and needles so that I can be creative and practical at the same time.
• I am thankful for my cat, Rosie, who has learned how to snuggle.

Weather

We have high winds today and a tornado watch.  Fun times!  I actually love thunder storms.  I know I'm not the only one!  I love how there is palpable energy in the air.  There is so much power in nature, and to see it manifested like that is really amazing.

I guess that's all I have to say today.  Enjoy the rain!

Blog Posting Month FAIL!

Yea, well, I was gonna post every day in November, even while on vacation, but you know what?  I didn't!  Ha!  I was too busy!  And jet lag, oh boy, howdy, did I have some jet lag!  Hawaii is really stinkin far away, let me tell ya, and it's 5 time zones from here.  I think we just got acclimated to their time and we had to come home.  I returned Thursday, Nov. 14 but it's taken me a few days to get other things taken care of so I could sit down and blog. 
 
Still, it was AWESOME!

I will list things that were fabulous about the trip in random order:

• Hawaii is a really beautiful place.  It rains but for the time we were there it was gentle rain and it ended quickly.  Even overcast days in Hawaii are more beautiful than I could have imagined.

• The Pali Lookout was really neat!  A friend (Hi Katie!) recommended that we go up there and it was worth the quick jaunt.  There's not much to do, but it's a way-high lookout on the mountain and the winds are so strong I thought I was going to lose my clothing.  Seriously!  It's on a pass through the mountains and you get a panoramic view of the windward (East) side of the island of Oahu.

• I love swimming in salt water.  The added bouyancy is fun and it's amazing to think about how vast the water is while you're in it.  I was floating on my back in the ocean, looking over to Diamond Head . . . and really, isn't that amazing? 

• I had wanted to visit fancy restaurants and eat a ton of sushi but I realized while there that it was just as much fun to just hang loose and do whatever.  We had lunch from the beachside vendor one day and it was delish, food court another day, also delish.  And seriously, the prices in HI are so high that it was still more than we usually spend on lunch.

• I got a new instrument!  A real ukelele is now here in my house and I LOVE it!  I haven't told many people about this yet but you can rest assured I'll be practicing all of my Christmas Carols for the season!  It's a real beauty!

• Even a 14-hour day of travel through airports and planes is enjoyable when you're with someone who is easy to be with.  I even got sick on the plane on the way over and didn't feel stressed about it.  Figure that out!  I think my sickness was from something I had eaten and not from the motion, but who really knows.

• The wedding on Magic Island beach, Diamond Head in the distance, sunset following, was really lovely.  I wish Kate and Annette all kinds of wonderful happiness and I'm really grateful that they were so gracious and welcoming to me, the newbie in the group.  We were the only people at the wedding who don't live in Alaska. . . except the officates.

• Pearl Harbor and the memorials there were really moving.  I am so very glad we visited them.  We were even there on Veteran's Day, which seemed perfect. 

• The Polynesian Cultural Center is fun but I probably don't ever need to go back.  It's very tourist-oriented and upon reflection I feel like they were constantly asking for us to spend more money.  Even the bus drivers there and back made pleas for tips.    Still, I did learn some things about island life and about Polynesia in particular.  Interesting but over-schilled.

• I packed too many different outfits.  I wish I had purchased more stuff at the swap meet we went to on Saturday and I wish I was made of money so I could go back every year . . . or maybe even live there. 
• My next travel goal is to visit a different tropical island.  I'm hooked!

Interviewing

I'm looking for a job, right?  Yea, most of you . . . probably all of you know that.  I'm applying all over the place (all over tarnation, in fact) and I've had some good interviews.  I've done some skyping and some in-person interviews, I've been flown out, have driven for many miles, have looked at many libraries, and I've had some phone interviews.  I don't much like phone interviews. 

Nope, I don't like phone interviews.  Why?  Because you can't see their faces!  I can't tell if they're zoning out.  I can't tell if they're responding positively or negatively, I can't even tell if they're still in the room.  

Oh, and did I mention that there's always more than one person at the other end?  On the other side of the table, or in front of the other webcam or at the other end of the phone there are always several people.  Several voices . . . several personalities.

Oh yes, it's a joy!

Good thing I'm an extrovert!  I actually like panel interviews.  I like playing to a group.  The bigger the group the better, in my mind.  I used to REALLY LOVE doing storytimes at the Main Library in Columbus when there would be 80 children and caregivers . . . or puppet shows when over 100 people would fill the auditorium.  LOVE!

Hmm, I wonder if puppets would make these interviews better . . .

Things I Don't Want to Forget

Just a list for now . . . maybe I'll write more after I've slept and maybe I won't.


Troy at Canfield Fair

• I joined an online dating site on the day that would have been my 20th wedding anniversary (I said 19th but then came back and editted it to make it correct - oops).  I found it to be appropriate, somehow.
• I dated a few different guys that were OK but not very interesting.  Only one guy got more than one date, and they were both boring.
• I first met Troy face to face on Good Friday, March 29, 2013.  We'd been messaging and then emailing back and forth for a few days and we'd talked on the phone a few times, too.  We went to dinner and karaoke at Shamrocks Pub and Grub.  He liked my singing (among other things), I liked his wit (among other things).
• I resigned from the library on May 15, 2013.  It was not a happy occassion.  One of the worst days of my life in some ways, but in other ways it was a ticket to freedom.
• I'm very glad I no longer work for that library system, for multiple reasons.
• My son is very, very far away at college now.  I took him out, with my mom, to Kansas City Art Institute and it was hard to leave him there but I know it's a wonderful time of life for him and I'm immensely proud of him for being so brave and talented.
• I've been learning that when I get really blue I need to talk to other people and care more about them than I do myself.  Works every time to keep me from going crazy.
• I am learning to care less than before about what people think about me and my decisions.
• People are not looking at my house even though it's been on the market for 2 months.  Please, please let me sell this house before January!
• I am so very lucky to have my parents, my wonderful, loving, generous parents who support, encourage and reach out to me when I feel like the whole world is caving in.
• I am very lucky that Troy found me.  He's a really fun, kind, talented, smart man and it's so much FUN to hang out with him!
• I'm starting to enjoy living alone. I am the master of my fate.  I am the captain of my soul.
• I know that God is with me in this world, I don't understand his plans for me and I don't understand the world, but I know this to be true, that He loves me and that I was created to love.

  

  Si and Mom with loaded car

  
  
  

  

  Si at entrance sign to KCAI
   

   

My stuff!

I'm sure many of you remember George Carlin's bits about stuff. 

http://www.youtube.com/v/MvgN5gCuLac?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=QFdE1Jq7CNrWafxu8olugA&feature=share&autohide=1


I've been thinking about this for months! 

I've been thinking about this because I've been down-sizing my house, getting rid of stuff at a rapid pace.  It's been hard!  Well, some of it has been fairly easy because it was someone else's stuff (a.k.a. shit) and it is always much easier to get rid of other people's shit than it is to get rid of your own stuff. 

I've learned over the years that it's helpful to have a friend there because they're not emotionally attached to all of that shit that you have and they'll help you get rid of it.  I went to help my folks pack up their house last year, and I was supposed to be helpful in that capacity.  The problem?  Some of their shit was my stuff!  or it was stuff that was Grandma's, or stuff that I played with or loved as a child . . . and I can't let that stuff go to a rummage sale somewhere . . . can I?  So I brought boxes of stuff back home.

And then a few months later, as I started to clean out my own house to try to downsize I realized that I have way too many boxes of stuff.  So as I weeded through my stuff I added more packed boxes of treasure to the pile I started from Mom.  And now as I face moving to a small apartment, I'm thinking I'm going to have to go through those boxes and make some Very Hard Decisions.

But enough about that.  I'll think about that later.

What things do you have that you just can't bear to part with?  I talked about glasses yesterday, cheap printed glasses that I bought for less than a dollar over 30 years ago.  Silly, right?  I've gotten rid of the crystal I got as wedding gifts.  I've got crystal that was Grandma's in boxes in the basement.  Why am I using Snoopy glasses?  Because I like them.  Because they evoke fond memories (unlike the wedding glasses) and because it won't be devastating if I break one (like Grandma's stuff).

And those Santa mugs that I only will get out at Christmas?  No, I won't part with those.  I loved them as a child and I just can't bear to think that they wouldn't be in the family anymore.  Sigh. 

It's MY STUFF!

Grown-up Part Deux

I've been packing my house for about 5 months.  Yes, I know that seems like an inordinately long time to pack a house, but the work has been done in spurts.  I can't just plow through a room and get it entirely done in one fell swoop (or, as my family says, one swell foop).  There has been too much stuff and sometimes too many memories.  I'm lucky, in a way, to have had this extra time to take my time going through things.  Well, I'm trying to look on the bright side, right?  I mean, it would have been nice to have gotten a new job right away, sold the house quickly and been packed and moved and settled somewhere by now . . . but that's not what happened so I'm making lemonade, you know?

So all these months I've had the constant question - should I keep this, sell it, trash it or give it away?  Thousands of times I've had to answer the same question about a knick knack, a keepsake, a childhood toy (bunny carts!) an antique, my yarn stash! 




I've gotten a lot done and the house is looking pretty good (wanna buy a house?).  But there have been some things I haven't even questioned.  This is where the Camp Snoopy and Muppet Caper glasses come into the conversation.  My sister was over yesterday and suggested that it's high time I got myself a set of grown-up glasses, the kind that all match and even match my dishes, the kind that don't (!) have Licensed Characters on them. 

"Whaaa???  But . . . but . . . I bought these when I was in High School . . . with my babysitting and clarinet lesson money!  I love these glasses!  They're heirlooms!"

"Weren't they basically freebies to advertise for the movies?  For kids?"

"Yes!  They're cool!"

She just shook her head, drank her juice from the sheep glass and came back in to continue playing Lego Batman with me on the Wii.  She's such a grown-up.

Sigh.

You all think they're cool too, right?  Right?

On Being Grown-up

I am a whimsical person.  Yes, you who have known me all my life realize this.  I love children, I love child-like things such as puppets, singing, silliness, pranks that aren't mean-spirited, jokes of all kinds (especially puns!), children's books, children's movies . . . the list goes on and on!  In fact there are probably those among you who would postulate that aside from my vocabulary I have never really grown up.  That, also, is true.

I have, however, learned the value of personal responsibility.  Sometimes it is challenging to be the grown-up, but it usually brings great rewards.  Being accountable for the things that happen to you as well as around you without playing a blame game makes life much less dramatic and helps you feel better about yourself in the end.  These are solid middle-class values that have been ingrained in me since birth (thanks, Mom and Dad!)

So why don't more people have these values?  Why is it OK for people to throw trash out their car windows?  Why do people step over garbage on the sidewalk (in a park, in front of the Library) and not bend over and pick it up?  Why would someone decide that it's ok to move out of a house and leave all of their belongings there for someone else to deal with?  How does a person justify even small things like stepping in front of someone in a line for coffee?  What comes over people that they decide they are above the common rules of decency and accountability?

I've struggled to figure this out over the last few years and I've come to one very solid answer.  It doesn't matter.

Nope.  It just doesn't matter what their motivation (or lack of) is. 

What matters is how I respond.  What matters is what I am thinking and feeling in my own mind and heart. 

Am I being a decent person?  Am I working to be my best and allowing the work of judging others to fall to someone else?

Because at the end of the day . . . or even, dare I say, at the end of my walk on this earth . . . what will matter most will not be how often I found someone else to be lacking in accounability, but how often I showed mercy and compassion to everyone, regardless of how they acted.


So that is where I am today - back to where I really want to be - loving other people.

NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month

Hello, strangers!  Welcome back to my blog!  My goal for the month is to write each day and share some thoughts about life, change, joy, trials and whatever else pops into my brain.  I'll try to keep it interesting, or at least a little entertaining.

I spent some time today with a friend that I've known for . . . hmm . . . maybe 2 years.  I knit with her nearly every week on Sunday afternoon and we've gotten to know one another a bit.  She had some surgery yesterday and needed a ride home today so I was there to be her chauffeur (chauffesse?). 

Hospitals being how they are (SLOW), we ended up spending about 5 hours together today.  We knit, we talked, we walked up and down the halls slowly.  It was pleasant to spend time with a friend this way, but one thing that she said has struck me and stuck with me.  She has been working on learning to just enjoy things how they are and not always have to be doing something.

Consider that for a moment.  When is the last time you just sat still not really doing anything in particular?  I don't do it very often, but I knew right away what she was getting at.  Most of the time I feel guilty if all I am doing is watching TV.  This is why I knit so much!  If my hands are busy creating something I don't feel like I'm wasting time.  Same with being outdoors.  In our busy lives, our busy world full of expectations, goals, drive and all those other good things I have often forgotten how to just BE.  Now, those of you who know me realize that I've had many times throughout my life when I've been forced to be sedentary.  Due to circumstances beyond my control I've had to heal from surgeries and heal and heal . . . more often than I'd like to admit.  Even during those times it has been hard to feel good about sitting still and being quiet. 

Today, though, when my friend mentioned it, I realized that quiet time, time of peace, reflection, solitude - those times are important.  I find myself currently in a situation where I spend more time idle than I prefer and now I am resolved to allow myself to revel in that quietude.  It can be a very good thing to be peaceful, to contemplate and examine one's life and to appreciate simply being there.

What do you think about this idea?

Well, I've tried to figure out how to fix the Goodreads widget in the html coding but I can't get it perfect.  Go figure.  As a programmer I'm great reading aloud.  ;-)  At least I have updated it so that you can see my progress on the reading challenge for this year instead of continuing to marvel at my success of 2012.

I am a few books behind, really, and will have to make special efforts since I'm not surrounded by books every day right now.  I will be again soon, I hope!

Happy Poetry Month!

April is National Poetry Month!

It's high time I started doing some posting again, don't you think?  I doubt I have many (if any) readers left, but just for my own personal growth I am going to post again, perhaps.  You know, when the mood strikes.

Today, a poem by e.e. cummings:

you shall above all things be glad and young.
For if you're young, whatever life you wear 

it will become you; and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love 

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on;and his mind take off time 

that you should ever think,may god forbid
and(in his mercy)your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge life,the foetal grave
called progress,and negation's dead undoom. 

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

I love that final couplet.  It speaks to me in so many ways.    Do you have a favorite poem?  A favorite poet?  Do you write your own poems from time to time?

Eat Whatever You Want

I have to rant, and in an effort to keep my Facebook Page rant-free, I will rant here.

I don't care if people marry other people of the same gender.  I have friends in long-term same-sex relationships that are more loving and compassionate than many marriages I've known.  My own marriage was not threatened or weakened because of those relationships.  In fact, my personal relationships are stronger and more meaningful because of the friendships I happen to have with several people who happen to be gay, lesbian and bi. 

I don't care if a business owner spends his profits on a lobby group.  I may care not to spend my money in that business if I don't want my money contributing to that lobby.  I may wish to spend more money in a business if I find that they are spending their profits to support causes that I, too, support.  I applaud people who make choices this way, even if their choices are not the choices I would make.  I admire personal integrity, being true to your own beliefs.

Free market is all about choosing where you spend your money, for a variety of reasons.

Can we please stop hating now?

A country divided cannot stand.

I am proud to live in a country where each of us is free to believe according to our own choices and act upon those, as long as they do not impede another's rights.  We don't need to bully or berate one another when they feel differently from us, do we?  What is the purpose of doing such a thing? 



 Although I am a person with strong personal faith, I will not try to make others follow my own moral code with legislation.  The Government really has no business deciding who can marry whom, IMHO.  They have no business deciding who can have sex with whom other than to protect children and victims of rape and other violent crimes.

All I can do is strive to live life according to what I have been taught; treating others as I would like to be treated.

Remember the phrase "we'll have to agree to disagree"?  That is what we need to do.  We need to AGREE that it is OK to feel differently about an issue.

Do it, or I won't let you have any cookies after naptime.

Alone Addendum

I am glad I posted when I did last night because soon after that our power went out.  We've been having big power issues in the state since the big storms and heat wave.  Our house has been lucky, though, and we've not lost power at all.  Until last night.  At 11:11 pm last night our power went out.  I didn't panic, I just texted Si and I opened the windows. 

Thankfully the power returned about an hour and 10 minutes later!  AEP must have just been working on something.

I can't imagine how there are still people without power after more than a week.  I have friends who went 5-6 days.  So much heat, too. 

I am very blessed to have power again after such a short loss.

Alone

I have been thinking lately about how I have to learn how to be alone.  I've never been a big fan of being alone, and really, it's not as bad as I once thought.  Chances are that in about 14 months, my son will go off somewhere to college and I will be in this house alone.  It's hard to even get my mind around it, but at the same time I think about it a lot.  It's like a scab that I can't stop picking at. 

Take tonight, for instance. I worked my 9-6 at The L, and my son was gone by the time I got home.  He has a play tonight, and after he is probably going to go out with his friends.  So I came into a house with no humans in it (2 cats), and I warmed up some leftovers for dinner.  I chose to listen to my current audio book while eating, which was nice.  It's The Rook by Daniel O'Malley, and it's good, but once my hands were no longer busy with eating I decided to get online.

And here I sit.  Bored.  The house is a mess, so there is no shortage of chores to be done, but I am tired from a long day at work and I don't want to clean.  I could watch TV.  I could put a movie into the DVD player.  I could get out one of my instruments and play some music and sing.  I could pick up a book, or turn on the audio book.  I could knit.  I could find a way to combine 2 or more of those activities.  Still, I am sitting here, thinking about how I'm alone in the house.

It's nice to have some quiet.  It's nice to have complete control over my environment.  I could go to bed (I am very sleepy, having stayed up too late last night).

Oh - that's another thing.  I have trouble going to bed at night when I'm alone in the house.  What is that about? 

You think about it and get back to me.

I'm going to just sit here.  And think.  About being alone.

Customer Experiences

I did some serious grocery shopping on Saturday.  I shopped at Trader Joe's first, took that all home and put it away, and then went to Kroger.  It was astonishing how different the two experiences were.  Here are some things I noticed:

Trader Joe's:

• Smaller selection, but generally all high quality items.
• A lot of organic things, although that doesn't matter much to me.
• Many smaller portion items like marinated meats in smaller packages, produce already cleaned and packaged, etc.  
• Did you know that you can sample any item in the store?  You can ask at that booth at the back and they will open a package and give you a taste.  I usually just take it home because I know that I can take things back if they're lousy, but I have yet to find anything that isn't tasty.
• The staff are all friendly and helpful, and will even ask you if you need anything (without you begging!)  And there are a lot of employees around, plenty of people so that you don't have to search for help when you have a question.
• If you bring your own re-usable grocery bags you enter into a drawing to win a gift card - I hope I win!
• When they bag your stuff in your re-usable bags they fill them really well, and they pay careful attention to put fridge items into your insulated bags.
• Even these specialty items are not priced exorbitantly.

Kroger's:

• Larger selection of items, but some of them suck.
• Store size is very large - more walking here than at Joe's.
• Can buy in bulk - huge packages of cereal, toilet paper, cheese, etc.  if you need quantity over quality, this is a better choice.
• Fewer samples.  This depends on the Kroger location, of course.  The one closest to my house has very few samples.  The one is Graceland, which is further but nicer, tends to have nice food samples out.  They don't generally let you sample whatever you want, though, just deli stuff.
• Staff can be friendly, but there are fewer staff per customer here.  I've had to wait up to  1/2 hour at the deli to have lunch meat cut for me and the answer I get when I ask about that is "this is the new norm".  LOUSY!  If you have a question about where something is, you have to track down an employee and they will give you an aisle number IF you're lucky.
• You can bring your own re-usable bags, but you need to alert the bagger quickly because they're not used to it.  Also, this Saturday, the Kroger bagger put all my frozen things into a regular bag and put other things in the insulated bag.  DUH.
• Also, when using my re-usable bags the bagger only filled them about 1/3 of the way - crazytown!
• Kroger's was also very LOUD.  The customers were loud, talking loudly, shouting, etc.  It was odd.  I noticed the same behavior at a McDonald's near my work this afternoon.  So loud I could barely hear my friend speaking to me.  Why do people do that?

All-in-all, I'm switching as much of my shopping to Joe's as possible.  The only things I'm still getting at Krogers are those bulk-type items that my son eats in huge amounts (Cheezits, milk, Coke, sharp cheddar cheese, pork loin and beef on sale).

So, how am I doing on my goals?  Last month I set 5 goals out on my blog, and I have some quick reporting to do.


1.  Exercising - I have been out walking 3x/week that past 2 weeks.  Yay!  Thanks to Darla, Josh, Linda and Vicky (and the boys), I've been doing pretty well on this one.  I'm keeping this goal for a while so that I can continue to meet/exceed it for a while.
2. Reading - I've been turning off the TV and computer when Si is out of the house and reading books again.  LOVELY!  It's so much more peaceful!
3.  Finding ways to get out of the house and do things - I took Si to the zoo (that is one of the big walks, with Vicky and her boys, too.  and Si and I went to the Columbus Commons for lunch last week, and those other walks I've taken have helped, also.  All good things.  Also, I've been going to church Sunday mornings quite regularly . . . when I don't work.
4.  Practicing my instruments - this is a bust.  Haven't done a thing.  Boo!
5.  Budgeting - I haven't really done much, but I have been listening to The Money Class by Suze Orman, and it's been getting me ready!  I have canceled all but basic cable, though, which should help, and Si and I are starting to really talk about the truth of where we are financially.

So - 4 out of 5 of my goals have seen some movement.  Yay!  I am proud of that!  I'll check in again in a few weeks and let you know how it's going on them.

20 things

15 Things That Are True About Me Today

1. I am learning to be single, which is really weird.  Sometimes I hate it and sometimes it's not so bad.  Mostly, it's just weird.
2. I never feel like I have enough energy to do what I know needs to be done.  Cleaning, sorting through things and getting rid of stuff I don't need, etc.
3. I love to knit.  It's creative, colorful, production and doesn't require a lot of physical energy.
4. My health is not great.  
5. I need to lose weight and exercise more.
6. I hate exercising, but my friend Josh and I brainstormed about 8 ways I could get some socializing in while doing light exercise, and that sounds appealing to me.
7. Today my intestines hate me.
8. I am often afraid of not being good enough.
9. I love watching my son turn into a man.  I wish I could make it easier for him to transition, but most life lessons have to be learned through experience, I've discovered, so I watch.
10. I am a "fixer" in that I always want to fix things for people I love instead of letting them figure it out themselves.
11. I don't judge very often, but when I do I feel ashamed.  If a child is in any way suffering or not living a good life, I tend to judge their parents/caregivers very harshly in my heart.  I still try to treat them with compassion, but it's a challenge for me.
12. I believe that each one of us makes a difference in the world and it's up to us to make choices that nudge those differences into the realm of improvements, rather than influencing things poorly.
13. I wish I had never colored my hair brown, but I did it to cover the weird yellow and blue from last year's Summer Reading Club stuff, and now I'm in "growing it out" transition and I don't like it.
14. I find it challenging to be the only grown-up in my household.  It's also freeing, in a way.
15. I wish I wasn't so emotional.

5 Things I Want to Work On

1. Exercising.
2. Actually reading (not just listening to) books more often.
3. Finding ways to get out of the house and do things with Simon.
4. Practicing my musical instruments.
5. Budgeting.

Getting By

Firstly, I notice that my Reading Challenge 2012 widget isn't working for me.  On my computer, when this page comes up it says I've read 0 books in 2012.  This is patently untrue!  I have, in fact, read 69 books!  I started with a goal of 100 for the  year, but I've increased my goal to 120 just to see if I can reach it.  So, regardless of what that dratted widget may say - I AM READING!  Well, listening to audio books, at least.  Reading some.

Sometimes life is very hard.  Divorce is very hard.  Dealing with lies, betrayal, adjusting to being a single mom, handling finances alone, trying to make ends meet, being the only grown-up in the house, all of that - very hard.  Sometimes, I have to be honest, I just sit down and weep for a while.  It sucks.  But today, in the pit of depression, losing my cool in a big way, I realized that I have lots of friends.  I have people I can call.  I didn't know who to call to talk about my woes, because frankly, I feel all talked out.  Everyone knows my situation is complicated, and I know that there are any number of people who will help if I have specific needs.  What I realized today is that I needed to stop spiraling into my own depression and think about someone else.  I called a friend who is going through a really hard life thing, and I asked her how she is doing.  And you know what?  I felt so much better.  She  talked to me, I talked to her, and there you go - we were both a little better than before. 

Now - I need to remember to keep that lesson and act on it again.  And again.  And again.  Just because I'm in tough circumstances doesn't mean I can't still be a loving, caring friend.  It's totally win-win.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try getting some housework done and see how that does at improving my mood.

Mother-ish

Last week as we were talking about things in the car (what is it about car rides that makes it so much easier to talk to one another?), Si gave me a surprising compliment.

"You are, like, the most mother-ish-ly person I know! We can't even go to the zoo without you talking to every little kid that goes by, saying 'oh, look how cute" and "hi sweety!'"

Yea, guilty as charged. M used to call me a kid magnet. I do love kids a lot. It's funny to hear it from your own kid, though, you know? Being a fretful mother, I checked with him to make sure he's ok with that.

I've been cherishing that comment. It's good to be a mom.

Family

I've written posts in tribute to my mom and my dad before, and I know I mention them often. I've talked about my brother and sisters (both Linda and our "adopted" sister Vicky), as well, and their spouses. I just want to say that my family is wonderful. They are generous, loving, helpful, compassionate, intelligent and fun to be with. We have great times when we're together, and I'm blessed to have such a family.

Aside from that, though, I'm learning that you can tell the true character of people by how they respond in times of crisis. I've had way too many times in my life when I've needed help from my family (IMHO) because of my health, and these last few months, although (thankfully) not health related, have been very hard for me. My family has been supportive, helpful and abundantly kind and generous. They've helped me so much. Just knowing that I can call on them to talk me off the ledge, if you will, helps me tremendously. I know that we have differences of opinion about many things from time to time, but I also know that none of that matters when the chips are done. We are family, we are Fithians, we are here for one another, no matter what.

Thanks, guys.