Monday, May 28, 2012

20 things

15 Things That Are True About Me Today
  1. I am learning to be single, which is really weird.  Sometimes I hate it and sometimes it's not so bad.  Mostly, it's just weird.
  2. I never feel like I have enough energy to do what I know needs to be done.  Cleaning, sorting through things and getting rid of stuff I don't need, etc.
  3. I love to knit.  It's creative, colorful, production and doesn't require a lot of physical energy.
  4. My health is not great.  
  5. I need to lose weight and exercise more.
  6. I hate exercising, but my friend Josh and I brainstormed about 8 ways I could get some socializing in while doing light exercise, and that sounds appealing to me.
  7. Today my intestines hate me.
  8. I am often afraid of not being good enough.
  9. I love watching my son turn into a man.  I wish I could make it easier for him to transition, but most life lessons have to be learned through experience, I've discovered, so I watch.
  10. I am a "fixer" in that I always want to fix things for people I love instead of letting them figure it out themselves.
  11. I don't judge very often, but when I do I feel ashamed.  If a child is in any way suffering or not living a good life, I tend to judge their parents/caregivers very harshly in my heart.  I still try to treat them with compassion, but it's a challenge for me.
  12. I believe that each one of us makes a difference in the world and it's up to us to make choices that nudge those differences into the realm of improvements, rather than influencing things poorly.
  13. I wish I had never colored my hair brown, but I did it to cover the weird yellow and blue from last year's Summer Reading Club stuff, and now I'm in "growing it out" transition and I don't like it.
  14. I find it challenging to be the only grown-up in my household.  It's also freeing, in a way.
  15. I wish I wasn't so emotional.

5 Things I Want to Work On
  1. Exercising.
  2. Actually reading (not just listening to) books more often.
  3. Finding ways to get out of the house and do things with Simon.
  4. Practicing my musical instruments.
  5. Budgeting.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Getting By

Firstly, I notice that my Reading Challenge 2012 widget isn't working for me.  On my computer, when this page comes up it says I've read 0 books in 2012.  This is patently untrue!  I have, in fact, read 69 books!  I started with a goal of 100 for the  year, but I've increased my goal to 120 just to see if I can reach it.  So, regardless of what that dratted widget may say - I AM READING!  Well, listening to audio books, at least.  Reading some.

Sometimes life is very hard.  Divorce is very hard.  Dealing with lies, betrayal, adjusting to being a single mom, handling finances alone, trying to make ends meet, being the only grown-up in the house, all of that - very hard.  Sometimes, I have to be honest, I just sit down and weep for a while.  It sucks.  But today, in the pit of depression, losing my cool in a big way, I realized that I have lots of friends.  I have people I can call.  I didn't know who to call to talk about my woes, because frankly, I feel all talked out.  Everyone knows my situation is complicated, and I know that there are any number of people who will help if I have specific needs.  What I realized today is that I needed to stop spiraling into my own depression and think about someone else.  I called a friend who is going through a really hard life thing, and I asked her how she is doing.  And you know what?  I felt so much better.  She  talked to me, I talked to her, and there you go - we were both a little better than before. 

Now - I need to remember to keep that lesson and act on it again.  And again.  And again.  Just because I'm in tough circumstances doesn't mean I can't still be a loving, caring friend.  It's totally win-win.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try getting some housework done and see how that does at improving my mood.