I was watching a recent episode of the sitcom Royal Pains this evening, and in it, a couple in the Hamptons (Long Island) had a big divorce party. The woman wore a black bridal-type gown, the man was in a morning jacket looking dapper. They had a divorce ceremony, a cake where the top layer was split and the "couple" on the top were headed in opposite directions . . . it was crazy. I can't imagine being so flippant about something so emotionally wrenching and difficult, about the breaking of vows that I consider sacred.
On the other hand, it's hard for me not to look on the upside of things when I can. I'm trying to take the little victories where I find them (taking care of house details on my own, handling each day of our routine without breaking down, making my paycheck last until I receive the next one). I'm a natural optimist, and I'm always trying to be positive, using humor to dispel my despair. Some people might find my own brand of humor at times like this to be flippant, but in reality it is just how I cope with life's trials.
So, in a week my marriage will officially be declared dissolved. I am immeasurably sad, rather scared, a little excited to see what will happen next, and slightly relieved that it's not been more emotionally draining that it's been. I'm praying a lot, talking to friends often (thank you all so much), spending a lot of time with Si, keeping my chin up and my head above water and all of those other things one is supposed to do in hard times. My back is in knots and I'm eating too much chocolate, too, but hey, no one's perfect, right?
So how do I measure these last days? I think of the song in RENT - Seasons of Love -
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
Yea, that's about it, but add to that list: scoops of ice cream, glasses of wine, knit stitches.